they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
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Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
wtf is an acronym
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi