Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.