they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
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Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
What if all the cashiers are married?
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dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Better luck next time champ
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I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*