They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
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Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Rude much 😂😂😂
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
thank god
