They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
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No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.