They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
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Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery