They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
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Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I need a headline like this
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
First I was a pebble..
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia