They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?