They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.