Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

my nickname in college

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

Just how popey was the pope today?

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

dutch is not a serious language

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆