They should remake The Breakfast Club but with Hobbits.
The Second Breakfast Club
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Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”