Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.