Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

“TGIM!” – My liver

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.