they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
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Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.