Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

not to brag, but mine was free