Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

This is the one

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

*Infrastructure naming conference *

Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk

Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?

Crab:

Other animals :

Crab:

Other animals:

Crab :

Other animals :Okay we get it

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.