Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

incredible book dedication

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end