Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

😆this is so true

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems