They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
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Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.