They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
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thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
per my last wtf
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.