They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
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The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
describing stardew valley
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.