They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
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my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.