Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

I’m pretty like a car crash.

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles