They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
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Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call