They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
You Might Also Like
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Family Celebrity
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.