Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

Sponch

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair