they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
You Might Also Like
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD