they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
You Might Also Like
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
like swimming in quick dry cement
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*