they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

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[24hr news channel]
news just in..
*director repeats himself into headset*
news justin
*justin just sits there*


Black Mirror really outdid themselves this time. Having us EXPERIENCE season 6 instead of watching it on Netflix? Remarkable really


My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it’d probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.


As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.


My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?


Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask “which country?”


I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”


“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.