they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
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[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
This made me chuckle.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat