they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
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She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit