they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
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[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
“Worm Regards”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
…żyje?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?