they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
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WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.