they split up moments later
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sry
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Breakfast in bed.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE