they split up moments later
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Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
*limbos under the caution tape
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.