they split up moments later
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Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
imagine getting destroyed like this
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.