Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?

Proofread twice, hang posters once

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great