They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.