Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

I think my mom just blocked me

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES