They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
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So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
For the ones in the back.
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Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.