They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
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A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”