They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
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This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Lives near Army base.
Community page on Facebook:
“WhAt aRe tHoSe LoUd BoOms?!”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”