I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
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Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Love thy neighbor’s dog
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.