They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
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I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
This hospital has everything
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.