They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
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Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
#parenting
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit