they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
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Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
This pepper has seen some shit
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it