they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
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what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Well, shit
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care