they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
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First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75