Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??