They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
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You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
“FOUND ‘EM!”
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.