They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
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3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
me working on my assignments ^-^
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.