@UmarHSoaries

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

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@SJSchauer

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

@anerdonfire2

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

@fuzzlime

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

@rockymomax

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

@BunAndLeggings

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

@TedInModeration

Me: will you have my baby?
Her: omg yes!
Me: * hands her a baby…
* runs…

@CantWaitToNap

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

@SoulYodeler

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

@bwebster76

Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don’t have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?

@DurtMcHurtt

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE