They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

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Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies


Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party


I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi


[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really


Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated


Me: will you have my baby?
Her: omg yes!
Me: * hands her a baby…
* runs…


Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.


Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.


Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don’t have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?


I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel