they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
yeah 😭
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.