I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
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it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg