@iGreenMonk

They tried it standing up, sitting down and bent over the kitchen table but it was no good – they just couldn’t get a decent wi-fi signal.

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@mrtruthandsoul

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

@girl_a_whirl

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

@kristendrum

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

@GrantTanaka

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

@MommyWhoTweets

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

@Cheeseboy22

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

@Reverend_Scott

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

@Home_Halfway

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

@Smooheed

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting