Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.