They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
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Actually cracking up @ this
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)