they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
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Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
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I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.