they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.