they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
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I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
No one:
My kid at bedtime: did Jesus have a tail
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.