they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.