They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
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[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
There is wisdom there.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I’m Sold!
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.