They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
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This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Yup!
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*