“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
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Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here