“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]