They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
You Might Also Like
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
inside you are two wolves
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
no!! no!!!!!!
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND