Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

Steam Forums

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

i could never be president. im overqualified.

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

I bet birds love this building.