They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
my proudest tweet
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Meeeee too!
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
