@Hellraisinbgrrl

They were called Jumpolines until your Mom got on one.

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@4SLars

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

@RunOldMan

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

@Tommytoughstuff

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

@trojansauce

[being held back from my burning house by firemen]

get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE

@GreyPath1

I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what’s on my mind.

For heaven’s sake, I don’t know what’s on my mind.

@Karissajem

Nephew: Wouldn’t it be cool to breathe fire like a dragon?
Me:*drinking gin straight from the bottle* We’re about to find out, kid.

@Rollmaninoz

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

@HousewifeOfHell

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

@stevevsninjas

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

@TheHyyyype

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure