They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
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I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Monday
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”