They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
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Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy