They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
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My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.