Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

them: are you talking to anyone?

me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

[News anchor]

“Are things really that bad?”

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.