They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
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Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.