Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

This trial is so absurd 😭

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

best review i’ve ever seen

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting