They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
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Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]