They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
