They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
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(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.