They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
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Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
How do horror writers compete with current events?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉