Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

I…do not understand how electricity works.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.