They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave